We Don't Need More Lindsay Lohan
Sorry :(
It pains me almost physically to admit, but I don’t think Lindsay Lohan deserves to make a comeback (whatever that would mean at this point). She may eventually experience a Mickey Rourke-like, late-career redemption arc. But for now she’s had plenty of opportunities to rehabilitate her image and become a regularly employed, serious actor again. We, as a culture, have moved past the need for a Lohan-aissance. Who craves leftover tabloid starlet when there’s fresh Bella Thorne sitting in the fridge, waiting to be consumed?
Mean Girls premiered in 2004. By 2006, her difficulties filming Georgia Rule had already tarnished her professional reputation. Can you imagine making Jane Fonda wait for you on set? I’d die. Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of Lindsay Lohan’s comeback attempts:
2009: She stars in the ABC Family movie Labor Pains, which is released theatrically in Europe, Latin America and the United Arab Emirates (foreshadowing). One critic writes, “…this is not a triumphant return of a prodigal child star.” Ouch.
2012: She stars as Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick. Critical reception is…not positive: “The film…is terrible. It could have been terrible in a fun way, but is, alas, terrible in the other way: It's so terrible, you'll need to ice your face when it's over to ease the pain of wincing for two hours.”
2013: She stars in Paul Schrader’s The Canyons alongside adult film actor and serial rapist James Deen. Though critics aren’t wild about it, Lindsay does garner praise for her performance as a former model turned restless trophy girlfriend.
2014: The OWN docuseries Lindsay is meant to showcase its subject’s rehabilitation and initial attempts to rebuild professionally. But it draws disappointing ratings for the fledgling network — and it doesn’t help change the industry’s perception of LiLo as a liability. When even Oprah can’t rewrite your narrative, things are bleak.
2019: Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club portrays her as a budding businesswoman, but Lindsay’s Grecian Era is perhaps best remembered for her, um, idiosyncratic dance moves. After one season, the MTV series ends when the club closes :(
2022: The latest Lohan project to prompt “comeback” chatter is Netflix’s Falling for Christmas. It’s a Christmas movie on Netflix. It seems fun and gets people excited to watch her act again. There are two more Netflix features and a human baby on the way. Though I do not require more Lindsay in my life, I wish her well.
I’d like to apologize to the tens of gay stans that Lindsay still has. Sorry, gals. If it’s any consolation, I feel especially fat today.
Recommendations
Vermont Hospitality
You’ve heard of Southern hospitality, which apparently isn’t real — but have you considered New England hospitality? It’s not about sea glass centerpieces or complimentary Sox tickets. It’s about Vermont, the region’s unassuming liberal Utopia* for white people. I had a blissful three days in Burlington last week opening for Gary Gulman at Vermont Comedy Club. I’ve been a VT Bitch™ since 2016, when I first visited and “headlined” a crêpe restaurant. Almost every Vermonter I encounter is warm, personable and wants to help in some way. Kendall once described his home state audiences as “just proud of you for trying” and I can attest that the warmth is real — an attitudinal counterbalance to harsh, biting winters. But next time, I’m getting crêpes.
*except for the gun culture, as Dave Anderson previously noted
Ian Lockwood’s “Your Dad”
No musical comedy song should be this legitimate of a pop-R&B bop. The Ariana influence is palpable (non-derogatory).
r/blogsnark
If you know, you know.
Q&A
I fucked up! There’s no Q&A this week. As a consolation, please accept this classic New Yorker profile of Fiona Apple. She claims that one particularly aggravating, cocaine-laced night with Paul Thomas Anderson and Quentin Tarantino soured her on the stimulant forever. Makes sense!
Shameless Self-Promotion
Tuesdays at The Graham in East Williamsburg, I co-host Just Come! alongside the aforementioned Kendall Farrell, Nolawee Mengist and Colleen Genevieve. I say “Tuesdays” and not “every Tuesday” because although the show is weekly, I am not always there. I recommend showing up at 8:30 no matter what because we curate great lineups and have exciting drop ins (most recently Denver’s Sam Tallent). But I will be there 4/11 to co-host Jeff Medoff, J. Snow, Jared Schwartz, Tyler Groce, Kath Barbadoro and Andrew Stanley. Just come!
You Should Also Be Reading…
Sean L. McCarthy’s Piffany, which I consider indispensable for industry info. Sean’s a seasoned entertainment reporter who’s well-versed in the comedy landscape. And he’s keeping a running count of how many specials are released this year (current total: 150).
OK bye!